The New Sibling
Picture the scene, a family member or friend is looking after your first born and you are at the hospital, watching as the sonography shows you the heartbeat of your next child. It’s so exciting, you are bursting to tell the news but first you need the plan what and when you are saying to your eldest child.
All the stories of sibling rivalry, brothers and sisters arguing and memories of your own childhood come crashing in. How can you make sure harmony reigns in your house, and you raise your children to be kind and supportive of each other and to love each other.
Ideally you don’t want to tell your child very early on, but sometimes you have to. If the pregnancy is complicated or you are suffering badly from morning sickness, telling your child will actually put their mind at ease; not knowing the cause of unexpected absences or seeing grown ups having hushed conversations can be far more upsetting than the prospect of a new baby many months away.
Your toddler or preschool child won’t understand the waiting so use the things they use to measure time. Tell them that the baby will come after Christmas or just before their birthday or at around another significant family event.
They may well feel any or all of the following: anxiety, sadness, anger, disorientation, confusion or excitement. Help them talk about the new baby well before it arrives explaining the words for their emotions and reassuring them that they can tell you everything they feel. They don’t need to hide any emotions. This is totally new to them so explain that babies sleep a lot, that they cry because they can’t talk yet. Tell them about when they were babies, and try to make the unknown more familiar and less scary.
I find that toddlers are often more anxious before the baby arrives. The mothers expanding tummy is a constant reminder of the baby’s impending presence. Children often get angry and act out of sorts because they know change is coming. They don’t know what that change involves but know that their worlds will never be the same again.
Maintain your routine, I know it’s hard but plan and move to one that will work around all the children and adopt it before the birth. Routine makes children feel secure and safe. Make them feel as valued as the baby, so spend time with them whilst others cuddle the baby or whilst they sleep. Read your older one a bedtime story, just the two of you, alone in their room.
Jealousy is normal, your child is effectively giving up half of its parents time. Don’t worry too much but do what you can to minimise it. So if you have to leave the swings because the baby is getting cold just say it’s time to go home. Explain you are tired, you don’t have to say it’s because you were up with the baby. Allow your child to be the star of the show, when people come to visit the baby ask your child to introduce them. Let your child show the baby off at nursery or school and ask for their opinion, why is the baby crying, what shall we do next. Empower them.
Some children will change their behaviour, some will regress. Just keep the same routine and the same rules, don’t change what you expect. By being consistent you show your child that your values remain constant and they will settle down and before you know it they will be giggling and belly laughing with their new sibling.
Thank you for reading my blog.
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Tracy
